The Mysteries of Life: Ninja style!
by EcoliandDahChihuahua
Summary: The Naruto Cast have a few mysteries of life on their hands, and they consult the person they know will answer truthfully. COMPLETE, questions are no longer accepted.
1. Tootsie Pop

Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura had a plan to get Kakashi's mask off, and it had to do with life's biggest mystery of all…

No, not the mystery of _why_ I tell people I'm in Lithuania when I'm really in my closet because the men in white want to take me away!

Naruto's plan was simple, with simple supplies. He walked up to his sensei, who was reading his 'book' with it's so-called 'knowledge'.

"Sensei?"

"Yes?"

"I want to ask you about the mysteries of life."

Kakashi looked up. "The chicken came first, life exists because the Bible says that God made lightness and darkness and then the living things, humans did _not_ evolve from apes, and clowns are bent on world destruction. Need I go on?"

Behind a bush

Sasuke and Sakura were writing this stuff down. They were going to sell it to scientists and become filthy stinkin' rich.

With Naruto

Naruto was baffled. "No, sensei. I didn't mean those mysteries."

Kakashi nodded knowingly.

"Well, if you're trying to figure out how come women are weird, I can't help you there."

"I don't mean that!"

"Then what do you mean?"

Naruto pulled out a Tootsie Roll Pop.

"How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?"

Now, to figure this out, Kakashi will have to take off his mask. Sasuke had the camera poised.

Kakashi looked at the outstretched sucker, then his book, then the sweet. He took the candy from Naruto's hand, threw it over his shoulder, and began reading.

"The world may never know…"

If anyone would like to know how I came up with the answers I did, Email me!


	2. Klondike

Naruto had another mystery he needed to be solved. He found Kakashi next a river reading his book.

"Sensei, I have another mystery."

"Finger puppets are the munchkins of evil, Bobobo-bobobobo is weird, and the person who invented school, the word 'school' in his language meant 'house of torture'."

"No, not that. I want to know… What would you do for a Klondike bar?" he asked, holding out a Klondike bar.

Kakashi looked at the Klondike bar.

Then his book.

Then the Klondike bar.

Then his book.

He took the Klondike bar, tossed it over his shoulder and turned back to his book.

"The world may never know, because I will nevah tell!"


	3. Emo wave

Hinata had a mysteries of life question. She had been spying on- I mean, stalking- I mean, OVERHEARD- Naruto saying something to Kiba about how his sensei knew the answer to all life's mysteries, so she decided to ask him. She found him by the same river as before.

"Kakashi sensei? I have a question."

Kakashi cracked his only visible eye open and said; "No shirt, no shoes, no service, George Washington's most famous portrait is the one he hated the most, and I wear my mask so the fangirls will let me have my peace of mind. Any more?"

"That's not what I wanted to ask."

"It never is, is it?"

"I wanted to ask, 'How do emos get their hair to sway in the wind when there's no wind!' It's illogically possible for something to blow in the non-existent breeze!"

Kakashi stood straight up and clamped a hand over her mouth.

"That's an emo secret," he whispered. "I can only reveal that to emos, or emos-in-training."

Hinata stuck a finger in the air.

"And, _no_, having Neji put you down at every possible opportunity is _not_ exactly emo history."

Hinata walked off.


	4. Eyebrows

Gaara had a mystery of life question, so he was seeking out Kakashi. He had heard Hinata grumbling about how his wisdom didn't help her one little bit, so he was just going on what he had heard. He found Kakashi by the river.

"Hey, lazy. I have a question."

Kakashi cracked an eye open. "The llama song is idiocy, Charlie the Unicorn lied, because there _is_ a Candy Mountain, and Ollien was right in saying that Chuck E. Cheese is a great ninja master. I should know, I trained him."

Gaara was stunned by this torrent of wisdom.

"THERE REALLY IS A CANDY CAVE MOUNTAIN? SO THOSE ANNOYING UNICORNS WEREN'T LYING? I mean, no, that's not what I wanted."

"Then what in the ham sandwich _did_ you want?"

"How come I don't have eyebrows?"

Kakashi sat straight up and clamped a hand over Gaara's mouth.

"This is classified information," he whispered, "but I guess I could tell you."

Gaara nodded. Kakashi leaned in to whisper the much-awaited secret.

"The government took them away for lab testing," he breathed.

"_WHAT!"_

"Apparently, they needed eyebrows to send to Jupiter to blow up the aliens, so they took your."

"Why mine?"

"Because, your eyebrows had high-tech gizmos, like Inspector Gadget!"

Gaara walked off, a baffled, enlightened, and confused emo. Kakashi watched him walk off, then grinned.

"Sucker. They _all_ fall for it…


	5. Mountain Dew

Kankuro had a question, and knew who to go to. Gaara had walked past, mumbling something about how the weird old guy really did know everything.

"Old man?" Kankuro asked Kakashi, who was on a merry-go-round, just for a change of scenery.

"I'm not old."

Kankuro got on the horse behind him. "I have a question."

"I'm not old, Sirius Black WILL return, and batteries not included."

Kankuro was overwhelmed by the wisdom.

"Sirius isn't dead? SA-WEET! I mean, I wanted to ask; How the rubber-duck does Gaara stay awake all night, every night?" he grabbed the front of Kakashi's vest. "IT'S INHUMAN, DANG IT!"

"Simple."

Kankuro leaned in.

"He gets a lot of fiber in his diet."

"WHAT!"

"You know, Mountain Dew, chocolate, apricot Minnie-Wheats, that sort of thing," Kakashi explained.

"I told Temari to quit cooking, but she didn't listen."

Kankuro walked off and got run-over by a rubber-duck in a sponge.

"I guess that's the reason why. It works for me," Kakashi told himself. A rent-a-cop came up and said "Sir, this ride is for children 10-and under, and judging by your hair you are at least 90 so I'm gonna halfta ask you to leave."

"Durn."


	6. Cinnamon Toast Crunch

Disclaimer- Let's get the show on the road!

Kakashi, surprisingly, had a mystery that he couldn't answer. He went to the person that _could._

"Hello, Neji," he said as Neji just so happen to walk past him.

"Can I help you?"

"Yes. Can your Byakuugan see why kids love cinnamon toast crunch?" Kakashi asked, holding out a box of said cereal.

"Um, okay… BYAKUUGAN!" Neji yelled, making hand signs. Veins popped out around his eyes.

He concentrated on the cereal for a minute.

"Uh, because they were destined to?" he suggested. Kakashi grinned. (Not that Neji could see it.)

"NOPE! BECAUSE IT HAS CINNAMON FLAVOR SWIRLS IN EVERY BITE!"


	7. Spongebob

TenTen had a mystery. She had heard Neji say something about the guy who supposedly knew everything had flung a box of repulsive cereal at him, so she decided to go with what worked.

"Sensei?" she asked, watching him round and round on a merry-go-round.

"Yes?"

"I have a mystery."

"I'm not old, I'd elope with a Canadian then live the rest of my life on the lamb for killing my fiancé for a Klondike bar, and Rin-chan WILL returm along with Sirius Black!"

"You're a loony. But that's not what I wanted to ask."

"What did you want to ask?"

"How the heck did Sponge Bob's pineapple get under the sea?"

Kakashi jumped off his porcelain horse and grabbed her by the front of her coughpinkcough shirt.

"How did you find out?" he hissed.

"Find out what?"

"Don't play dumb! You're too smart for your own good!"

He chained her to a chair and stood in a metal ring that had a latern that went round and round on it.

"There is no war in Bosingsai," he said. "There is no war in Bosingsai."

"There…is…no war… in…Bosingsai," TenTen repeated. She fell asleep.

"Good. When she wakes up, she won't remember a thing," Kakashi muttered. He began to sing "IT'S A LONG, LONG WAY TO BOSIGSAI, BUT THE GIRLS IN THE CITY THEY LOOK SO PRETTY!"

Thank to Avatar: The Last Airbender!


	8. Woodchuck

Temari had a mystery. She had heard both of her brothers talking about some old guy who knew everything, so she decided to ask him.

"Oi, old man?" she asked as she approached Kakashi, who was staring at Obito's grave.

"Yes?"

"I have a question."

" I HOLD NO RESPONSIBILITY AS TO HOW PAKKUN GOT HIS LITTLE SUIT! UH, UH, RIN MADE IT! I CAN'T SEW WORTH JACK-SQUAT! I-I mean, what do you want?"

"How much wood could a wood-chuck chuck if a wood-chuck could chuck wood?"

"It's quite simple," Kakashi said. "Wood-chucks are physically in-abled to chuck wood."

"Why?"

"Because they don't have opposable thumbs."

Temari was over-whelmed.

"OHMYGOSH, I NEVER LOOKED AT IT THAT WAY! YOU ARE A GENUIS!

"Thankies."


	9. Squirrels in peanut butter

Hinata had another mysteries of life question.

"Sensei?" she asked Kakashi, who was eating ramen. With. His. Mask. Off.

"Yes?"

"I have a question."

"The author is scared of clowns, I hate licorice, and Natalie Babbit is as bad at writing books as Ann M. Martin."

"Actually, I was going to ask why Naruto doesn't pay attention to me."

"Because he's enraptured with Sakura and pays little attention to any other girls besides her."

"Oh," Hinata said, walking away.

"What she should have asked me was how to get his attention," Kakashi said. "Squirrels in peanut butter doing the conga is how Rin got _me_ to pay attention to _her_."


	10. Cheese moon

Chouji had a mysteries of life question. He had heard everyone talk about an old guy in random backgrounds giving silly yet sound answers to _their_ questions, so he was just going to go with what worked.

"Sensei?" Chouji asked, going up to Kakashi, who was playing Clash of Ninjas as himself against himself. (I've done that.)

"Yeah? AUGH! A THOUSANDS YEARS OF PAIN! I mean, can I help you?"

"I have a question."

"Rin-chan did return, underneath my mask is my face, AND I HATE CLOWNS ON A COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS LEVEL!"

"That's not what I was going to ask."

"It never is, is it?"

"Well, my question was 'Is the moon made of cheese'?"

Kakashi smacked him upside the head. "Of course not. It's made of blue corn!"

"WHAT!"

"You heard me. On that Pocahontas song 'Colors of the Wind' it says that the wolf cries to the blue corn moon!"

"So I can eat it?"

"Yeah."

"JOIZIES!" Chouji screamed, running (wow) to the nearest NASA space station.

"I always thought the moon was green," Rin asked.

"RIN!"


	11. Clams! Oysters!

Kakashi lay on his couch. He thought he could take a break from answering questions when…

"Oi, loser," Itachi said, suddenly appearing in front of said loser.

"What?"

"I have a question."

"I'm not a loser, casual Friday is a myth, and I think your brother spends too much time looking in the mirror."

Itachi was overwhelmed. "SO DO I!! I-I mean, that's not what I wanted to ask?"

"One of these days, it should be, because I'm running out of random answers to frequently asked questions!" Kakashi told him, annoyed. "So what _did_ you want to ask?"

"Is Deidara a boy or girl?"

Kakashi opened his mouth. (Not that Itachi could see.) "It's quite simple. Deidara's a…" he trailed off. "Of course, with _that_ hair… no, a lot of guys have pony-tails." Kakashi sat quietly for a moment.

Itachi yawned. "Well?"

Kakashi snapped his fingers. "I got it!"

"What?"

"Maybe Deidara's like an oyster!"

Itachi sweatdropped. "An… oyster?"

"Yeah, an oyster! Oysters can switch from male to female! Or is it clams… or shrimp?"

"Nevermind. I'll just ask."

"NO ONE APPRECIATES MY ITELLECT!!"

Ecoli- Sorry for the late update. Had to write a stupid paper.


	12. SWallow

Naruto hade another mystery. He had just watched "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" and one question had been burned into his mind.

"Sensei?" he asked Kakashi, who was feeding swallows at the local park.

"Yes?"

"I have a question."

"It is still unknown if Deidara's a boy or not, children's movie tickets are actually the same price as adult tickets, and Charlie Borwn never does his laundry."

"Ew." Naruto made a face. "That;s not what I wanted to ask."

"Then what did you?"

"Can a five ounce bird _really_ carry a one pound coconut?"

Kakashi grabbed one of the birds he was feeding, and pulled a coconut and a spool of thread out of his shuriken pouch. "Let's find out.

At a random cliff

Kakashi tied the cocnut to the bird's legs. "Okay, watch closely."

Naruto watched as Kakashi tossed the bird in the air. "It's flying!" the blonde cheered as the swallow maintained airborne.

"Uh, no," Kakashi said as the bird plummeted towards the ground.

"AAAAUUUUGGGGHHH!!!!!" the bird screamed.

"How can a bird scream?" Naruto asked.

"Sorry. One answer per chapter."


	13. Doughnut Thanks to HinataInazuka

Neji had a question that he wanted an answer to ever since Gai had taken his team to the bakery. He decided to ask the old fart who had thrown a box of cereal at him.

"OI, Old Fart?" he asked Kakashi, who was sewing Pakkun's coat (which had ripped.)

"Yes?"

"Could you answer a question for me?" Neji asked. Kakashi nodded. "Gai shall nevah beat my bishiness, Bratz are over-rated, and _no,_ I DID NOT MAKE PAKKUN'S SUIT!! I DID NOT!!!"

Neji sweat-dropped. "I didn't want to ask that."

"Then what did you?" Kakashi mumbled, finishing the jacket. "Pakkun, I'm done!"

"How do they get the filling in cream-filled doughnuts?"

Kakashi tugged at the side of the room. It suddenly turned into a kitchen. Neji jumped back, startled, before tripping over an apron around his waist that had appeared when the room disappeared.

"What are we doing here?"

"I'm answering your question," Kakashi answered, with an air of someone saying duh. "Some genuis."

"I WAS DESTINED TO ASK!!" Neji screamed. Kakashi slapped him. "Watch and learn."

Kakashi picked up a roll of dough. "First, make a small dough ball," he instructed. Neji did so.

"Next, flattened it slightly," Kakashi continued. Neji followed.

"Poke a hole in the side, then slip this thing in it and press down. It was frosting in it, which is how the cream... gets... in..." Kakashi trailed off as he saw that Neji was no longer listening. Oh, no no no no, you naifs. Instead, the Hyuuga was modeling his dough in an eery likeness to Hinata.

"DIE, MAIN HOUSE FREAK!!!" He cackled as he brought a butcher knife down, skewering the statue.

"Ah, nothing like murder to really feel _alive_," Neji sighed, setting the knife aside.

"That's _my_ line," Gaara growled, glaring at Pretty-Boy.  
"What the- how and when did you get here?"

Kakashi smacked him. "HOW MANY TIMES I GOTTA SAY IT?!?! ONE. ANSWER. PER. _CHAPTER!!!!"_


	14. Is water wet?

Gai had a question. He had heard Neji talking about how his eternal rival knew everything, so you know the rest.

"YOSH!! MY ETERNAL RI- Kakashi? What are you doing?" Gai watched as Kakashi floated past him on his back, in mid-air.

"Practicing levitation."

"Oh."

"Did you want something?" Kakashi asked, standing up and doing the moonwalk, in mid-air.

"I have a question that I need you to youthfully answer!"

"I have run out of random answers. Sorry."

"Anyways… why is water wet?" Gai asked. Kakashi rubbed his chin.

"Let me think…"

Gai was silent.

Kakashi rubbed his chin.

Gai picked his nose.

Kakashi began to do the worm. In mid-air.

Gai yawned.

Kakashi meditated.

Gai fell asleep.

I HAVE GOT IT!!" Kakashi screamed, causing Gai to jerk awake.

"You do?" he asked excitedly. Kakashi nodded. "Let's hear it!"

Kakashi beckoned. Gai leaned forward.

"Do birds fly?" he whispered in the Green Beast's ear.

"Eh?"

" JA NE!!" Kakashi yelled, disappearing in a poof of smoke.


	15. Pink Hair

Shikamaru had a question. Normally, he could figure out things himself because of his enormous I.Q., but this one had been haunting him forever. He decided to ask Kakashi.

"Oi, Lazy?" Shika asked the now familiar Kakashi.

"Hark who's talking, Lazy," Kakashi threw back at him.

"I have a question."

"14 cans of Mountain Dew can make the author hyper, Lee is weird, and Obito is NOT Tobi. IS NOT! IS NOT IS NOT!"

Shikamaru blinked. "I didn't want to ask that."

"Oh?"

"I wanted to know why Sakura's hair is pink. Is it natural?"

"No," Kakashi answered. "It's pink because of the shampoo she uses."

Shikamaru was overwhelmed. "Her shampoo?!" he repeated, amazed. "Hey, wait… if your dog uses the same brand of shampoo, wouldn't that make his fur pink?"

Suddenly, a very embarrassed and very pink Pakkun slunk into the room.

"I don't want this type of shampoo anymore," the ninja dog whined. Shikamaru blinked.

"And thus, the mystery is solved," Kakashi commented, slowly rising into the air. Shika and Pakkun watched as he twirled around like a ballerina.

"Weird," the lazy genius stated, before leaving.


	16. Icha Icha origin

Shino had a mystery. He could have just asked me, but he decided to ask old man scarecrow, who was now widely known in Konoha and Suna for his infinite knowledge.

"Oi, Old Man?" he hnned walking up to Kakashi, who was reading his 'book'.

"Yes?"

"When did you first read that book?" Shino asked, pointing at the orange PIECE OF CRUD. Kakashi's only visible eye did the happy anime eye thing. "Ah! Well, it started about twenty years ago…"

Flashback

A six-year-old Kakashi sat pouting because his old man was dead. He walked down the street, scowling at anyone who was foolish enough to look at his spiky hair.

"What's wrong?" Jiraiya asked.

"My old man died!"

"Read this," Jiraiya said, extending an orange book. Kakashi flipped through it.

"This is trash!"

"Your dad read it."

"MINE!" Kakashi screamed, latching onto it. Jiraiya chickled and walked away. Kakashi opened it to the first page and turned red. "GOOD GRAVY THIS, STUFF IS AWESOME!"

End Flashback

"That answer your question?" Kakashi concluded, turning back to Shino. "Shino?" he asked, as the bug user was no where in sight.

In Suna

"Heeheehee," Shino giggled.

"What are you reading?" Gaara asked. Shino showed him the orange book.

"Heeheehee," they both chuckled together.


	17. What makes French Toast crunch

Neji had a question. Since he knew Kakashi had some experience with Cinnamon Toast Crunch, he might be help with this problem.

"Sensei?" he asked, approaching Kakashi, who was watering Mr. Ukki.

"Yes?"

"Can you help me with a question?"

"Mr. Ukki is not dead, he's just sleeping!" Kakashi pointed his watering-can dangerously close to the Hyuuga's nose. Neji blinked.

"I wanted to ask; what makes French Toast Crunch?"

Kakashi pointed his finger at the other person. "Quite simple, Watson," he said with the air of a genius. "Toast crunches, right?"

"Uh… yeah," Neji answered uncertainly. Kakashi slapped him in the face.

"So what makes you think toast made in France is any different?" he hissed. Neji blinked.

"Ha, can't answer that one, can ya?" Kakashi did the happy anime eye. "Ah, I rule so hard."


	18. Ramen Milk thnx to killerdoodlebug

Naruto had a mystery he needed solving.

"Sensei?" he asked Kakashi, who was reading his questionable reading material out loud to Shino and Gaara. All three were blushing furiously and Shino's nose was bleeding.

"Yes?"

"I have a question."

"I have _not_ turned Shino and Gaara into Peeping Toms, Jiraiya is a great author, and Sasuke needs to spend less time looking in the mirror.

"I TOTALLY AGREE!" Naruto shouted. "But that's not what I wanted to ask."

"Do you mind shutting up?" Shino asked. He and Gaara were reading the orange PIECE OF CRUD. "We just got to the good part.

"Can it, you!" Naruto snapped. "I wanted to ask; if ramen constipates you and sour milk gives you diarrhea, what happens if you ingest both?"

"Quite simple," Kakashi said. "Your colon will explode."

"WHAT?!??!" Naruto shrieked. Kakashi nodded.

"If you're constipated, you can't 'go'. If you have diarrhea, you 'go' more often. If you can't 'do' either, then eventually, your small intestine will explode."

"ZOMGOSH! TSUNADE-BAACHAN! HHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Naruto screamed, running off. Kakashi, Gaara, and Shino watched him go.

"Will he really explode?" Gaara asked.

"It could happen," Kakashi answered. "Time for chaptah six!"

"JOZZIES!" Gaara and Shino exclaimed.


	19. Underneath the mask is

Kankuro had a question for Kakashi. He walked aimlessly around Konoha for hours before he found said masked jounin at the bridge. What appeared to be the other male genin were gathered around, each reading an orange book.

"Gaara?!" he said as he spotted his brother.

"Sup."

"May I help you?" Kakashi asked the puppeteer.

"I have a question."

"Pakkun's fur is still pink, Gai scares me, and mimes want to destroy us all."

"No joke?" Kankuro asked. "But anyway, can you answer a mystery for me?"

"Sure."

"What's under your mask?"

"Yeah, I've been wondering that myself," Naruto piped up.

"Me too."

"Me too."

"Yeah, same here."

Kakashi sighed. "You want to know what's under my mask?"

"Hey, you're supposed to answer questions, not ask 'em!" Neji said.

"Right. I'll say this only once." Kakashi beckoned with his fingers. All the male genin leaned forward.

"Underneath my mask…"

Everyone held their breath….

"Is my face!"

"WWWWAAAAAAAHHHHTTTTT?!?!!" the others cried, falling for ward. Kakashi shrugged. "Mind, you, you asked so I answered."


	20. Choking Smurf

Temari had a question for dear ol' Kakashi-kun, who was responsible for turning her brothers and the other male genin into Peeping T- I mean, opening their innocent minds to the beauty of Jiraiya's TRASH!

"Kakashi-sensei?" she asked, finding Kakashi lying in the freshly cut grass next to a beautiful lake with the moon shining and Rin attempting to capture his attetion with squirrels and peanut butter.

"Can't you see I'm trying to ignore her?" Kakashi whispered. "She's gone a little crazy."

"Oh. Well, I have a question."

"I cannot hold out aginst the squirrels much longer, I AM NOT OLD, DARNIT!! and my hair is gravity defing. I do not use hair-gel."

Temari stared at his hair. "You're joking."

"No."

"Well," Temari continued, shaking her head, "that's not what I wanted to ask."

"Then what did you?"

"If a smurf is choking, what color does it turn?"

Kaakashi had to think about that for a mo'.

Temari yawned.

Rin glomped Kakashi.

Kakashi pried her off only to be glomped again.

Temari fell asleep.

Kakashi thought some more.

Rin batted her eyelashes and dear Lazy-Butt.

"I GOT IT!" Kakashi cried, jerking Temari awake. "Let's hear it."

"A smurf is blue, right?"

"Right."

"And usually when you choke you turn blue, right?"

"What are you getting at?" Temari asked, growing impatient. Kakashi held his finger up.

"He doesn't turn a color at all. Since he's already blue, he can't turn a color he already is, right?"

"..."

Kakashi left her to think about it.


	21. Eyebrows The Truth

Gaara stormed through Konoha. Everyone in his path quickly scrambled out of the way to escape his wrath. And his sand.

"You lied to me!" Gaara shouted angrily at Kakashi, who was back on the merry-go-round, with Rin in front of him a pink horse.

"Whee!" said Rin cried happily, the pink horse going past Gaara, who was rather confused.

"Help me," Kakashi begged as he disappeared from Gaara's sight, He had to wait before they came back around before he could jump on the horse behind them. Thankfully, it was black.

"Now, what were you saying?" Kakashi asked, turning around to face the jinchuuriki.

"You lied to me!"

"Eyes on the road, you!" Rin snarled, reaching back and wrenching Kakashi's spiky head forward.

"About what?" Kakashi continued.

"About my eyebrows! That weird kid who went to the moon decided to go to Jupiter, and they weren't there!"

Kakashi sighed. "You want to know where they really went?"

"No, duh."

"Right. Rin, cue the flashback."

"Whatever you say, Kaka-kun!"

Gaara raised an eyebrow at Kakashi. Wait, he doesn't have any.

Flashback

Yashamaru chased a three year old Gaara, a six year old Kankuro, and a seven year old Temari around their house, brandishing a razor.

"I just need to shave the ends of your hair!" he cried desperately. "It's just to make the ends straight!"

"No, meanie-face!" Temari shouted. Kankuro gave his uncle The Finger.

"WHY YOU LITTLE-!!" Yashamaru made a move to scoop them up.

"Human shield!" Kankuro called, tossing Gaara at their girly uncle.

"HEY!" Gaara shouted. Yashamaru grabbed him and attempted to shave his hair, but ended up getting his eyebrows instead.

End Flashback

"Oh, yeah, so _that_'s why I hate them," Gaara said. "Wait, why didn't they grow back?"

"Rin?" Kakashi said. Rin nodded. "Another flashback, coming up!"

(Another) Flashback

"I'm going to kill you," chibi Gaara growled in his hilarious voice. (A/N: When he's six, he sounds so funny!)

"We said sorry!" Temari said, scrambling away from the approaching sand.

"I said, I didn't care!"

"Rawr!" Kankuro yelled, throwing a bottle of stuff at his brother. Gaara shielded his eyes, so it just splashed the spot on his face where his eyebrows were.

"Kankuro? What was that?" Gaara asked.

"It's supposed to keep hair from growing on designated parts of your face. Uncle Yashamaru uses it so he won't get a mustache."

End (Another) Flashback

Gaara got off and started home, a little confused.

"Is that true?" Rin asked.

"Oh, yes. I found the tape in Yashamaru's things."

"Can we watch it?"

"Sure."


	22. Tobi is not a good boy

Kakashi was having a very relaxing, quiet, and peaceful session in a lawn chair next to the beach, reading his Icha Icha Uncensored volume, when suddenly…

"MWAHAHAHAHA!!!" Tobi cackled, popping out of the sand next to Kakashi, who fell out of his chair with an "AWAURG!"

"AWAURG!" he cried, tumbling out of the chair. Toldja.

"What do you want?" Kakashi snapped, shaking his non-haired-gelled head to get the sand out.

"I have a question! Itachi told me 'bout how you knew stuff so you should be able to answer mine!"

"Oh? Let's hear it," Kakashi sighed.

"Why can't I join the Akatsuki?"

Kakashi sat down next to him. "Well, you see, you're not exactly evil."

"Eh?"

"You have to be evil to be in the Akatsuki, but you're more of a, how shall I put this, nuisance."

"You mean like that creamy stuff in Milky Ways?"

Kakashi gave him a long stare before popping him on the head. "I said _nuisance,_ not nougat."

"But I'm evil!" Tobi cried. "I'm the epitome of diabolical! I'm the top of cynical! I'm the cat's meow!"

"And I'm not buying it," Kakashi said flatly. "You're going to have to prove it."

Tobi picked up a pair of conveniently placed scissors and chopped Kakashi's spiky hair off to a buzz cut.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" he cried, clutching his head.

"Thou hast been owned!" Tobi said happily. "Say it."

"YOU'RE EVIL1 YOU'RE EVIL! EVEN OROCHIMARU WOULDN'T DO THIS!"

"Heehee," Tobi chuckled. "And Zetsu-san thinks I'm a good boy."


	23. Why Shino won't talk

Disclaimer: I'm bbbaaaaccccckkkkkk!!! I still don't own. T.T Anyways, this week is the last week I'll be able to update ANYTHING for a while unless I get time on the weekends, because after holiday we have benchmark tests, CRCT, and I have to make time for spelling bee practice, quiz bowl studying, and I have to catch up on my reading! O.0 I'VE BEEN SHIRKING MY DUTIES!! NUUU!!

Readers- Shut-up already, gosh.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Team Kurenai had a mystery that absolutely HAD to be solved or they would all disintegrate from suspense and that would be all she wrote. Said Team marched up to Kakashi as he sat in a fetal position, rhythmically banging his head on a wall, whimpering about how his 'wonderfully gravity-defying hair and been shaved off by a complete doofus lunatic."

"Kakashi, we have mystery for concerning Shino here," Kurenai announced dramatically, sweeping an arm at said Aburame. "Kakashi, pay attention to me," she sighed, snapping her fingers in Kakashi's masked face.

"Can't you see I'm going through a crisis right now?" he snapped, sucking his thumb without off his mask. "What do you want?"

"We wanna know why Stick-up-his-butt here won't talk unless absolutely necessary," Kiba explained, earning a glare from Shino and a sting from a nearby wasp. "EEYYYYAAAAAGGGHHH!!!" Kiba screamed, smushing the wasp. Behind Shino's sunglasses, his eyes fill with tears. (No one could see them) That was his favorite wasp.

"You mean he hasn't told you?" Kakashi said in surprise. "I would have thought he'd have told at least you Kurenai, since he told me."

"T-told you w-what, Sensei?" Hinata stammered. Kakashi shook his head slowly and clucked sympathetically.

"Shino here," he said solemnly, resting a hand on said Shino's shoulder, "had tonsillitis. After the tonsils are removed, you know the patient is unable to speak without some level of pain for a while."

"But he's been like this his whole life," Kiba pointed out. "His throat should have healed by now."

"One might think." Kakashi sighed sadly. "But little Shino here had, um, terminal-tonsillitis-fever, which results in the throat never fully healing. The fact that his bugs eat his chakra; chakra that could be used to heal his throat; hindered the healing process even farther." He ruffled Shino's 'fro. "So you see why he doesn't like to be pestered about talking."

"Oh, Shino-kun, we had no idea!!" Kurenai cried, horrified. "C'mon, let's get some ice-cream."

"YAY!" shouted Kiba, running off, with Hinata and Kurenai trailing him.

After they were out of earshot, Shino turned to Kakashi.

"I thought we agreed on bronchitis, but I'll admit that that was a stroke of genius on your part, Sensei," Shino said reverently. Kakashi shrugged his shoulders modestly.

"What can I say, I can empathize. I never liked talking much myself when I was a kid and everyone fell for that. Besides, you're not a bad kid." Kakashi did the Happy Anime Eye. "Now, as we agreed..?"

Shino grinned widely and pulled a purple book entitled Icha Icha Drunken Nights. "Right. You come up with a super awesome excuse, and I get the goods."

"Did you read it?"

"Yes."

"Don't tell me how it ends then."

"Actually, what happens is-"

"C'MON, SHINO! PISTACHIO ICE-CREAM! YOUR FAVORITE!!" Kiba screamed in Shino's ear, appearing out of nowhere and dragging Shino off, gripping his feet tightly.

"My coat's getting dirty," Shino thought to himself as Kiba dragged him over a tree root. Kakashi watched them go.

"Heeheehee," he chuckled, opening his book.

"OOH, OOH, LEMME READ IT!!" Gaara cried, latching onto Kakashi's leg. Said Kakashi screamed like a little girl.

"AAUAUA8UUIHGDSOIHTR;OIUWKJNRE9J8IO43U8'OI135H7QOT890OINGT4Q98OT53Y9PIUKJ54HBNIUOGBETF97UO!!!!!!!!!"

**Ecoli- Okay, and now we know why Shino doesn't talk! Next chapter, if Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday are Happy Days, what does that make Saturday? Thanks to Black Rose Dye for the idea!**

**More thanks to:**

**FairieFighter009**

**Purple Wasabi and a Panda**

**Broken0Dream**

**Fancy1600**

**Kawaii-Chibi-Naruto**

**Killerdoodlebug**

**VioletaNatalia**

**BakaHammerGirl for submitting questions, even though I have not used some of them. –eheheh-**

**And thanks to everyone who reviews!**


	24. What is Saturday?

Akamaru had a question for Kakashi. He would have asked Kiba, but he was kinda dumb, so he went to said above Kakashi because he knew that he owned dogs and might be able to understand.

Akamaru trotted to Kakashi's backyard, where he was relaxing under a tree, reading Icha Icha Drunken Nights with his whole pack of ninja dogs piled on top of his lap and legs.

"Hello, Akamaru," Kakashi greeted, looking up briefly before going back to his 'ahem' book.

"Woof, arf!" Akamaru barked, wagging his tail exuberantly.

"Pakkun, can you translate, please?" Kakashi asked his still pink dog. Unbeknownst to Akamaru, Pakkun translated for Kakashi and his pack of puppies! Yeah! Woohoo! Aw right!

"Woof, arf!" the white dog barked at Pakkun, who listened.

"He says he wants to know what Saturday is," the pug reported. Kakashi was confused.

"Saturday is Saturday, Pakkun," he said. "You know that."

"No, not like that." Pakkun looked at Kakashi. "You know that song, Happy Days?"

"How does that go again?" Kakashi mused aloud, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. Pakkun sighed.

"You know," he said in a low voice, giving the other dogs nervous glances. " 'Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Happy Days? Thursday, Friday, Happy Days'?"

"AROO!!!" the Shino dog howled, waking up and joining in the fun.

"AWRAWRRAWRAWR!!" The huge gray dog joined in, throwing his head back and facing the skies. Pakkun shook his head in disgust.

"C'mon, sing the rest," Kakashi said teasingly. "You do it so well."

"Saturday, oh what a day," Pakkun muttered unenthusiastically. Akamaru barked excitedly, which Kakashi took as a sign of their guess being correct.

"So you want to know what Saturday is, eh?" he asked, patting Akamaru on the head. "Let me think…"

Kakashi thank.

Akamaru cocked his head.

Pakkun slept.

The other dogs 'A-RRRRRRROOOOO-!!!!"-ed the chorus.

Pakkun woke up and attacked them.

Akamaru sniffed one dog's butt.

"Got it," Kakashi exclaimed. Akamaru jumped on his spiky hari and licked his face with a "Woof!"

"Well, I've concluded…"

The whole pack leaned in.

"That if Monday, Tuseday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday are Happy Days…"

Akamaru wagged his tail.

"Then Saturday must be…"

The suspense was unbearable.

"A day on the weekend!"

"HUH?!?!" the dogs screamed. Kakashi grinned.

"Yep. And since it's on the weekend, then Happy is not a good enough adjective. It's more of a… let's see, it's more of an indescribably-wonderful-feeling-of-elatedness-day, but imagine trying to _fit_ that in the chorus."

Akamaru padded away from the rather anticlimactic end. (read above)


	25. Man Make Up

Temari had a question. It wasn't an ordinary question. No, it was a question that had been burning her to ask. The suspense was unbearable. If she waited to much longer, the suspense would kill her.

Really.

"Old man?" she asked Kakashi, who was busy trying on different hats.

"Yes?" he answered. "How does this one make me look?"

"Like a cowboy. I have a question."

"Question questions questions. Do you guys get up in the morning just to ask me stuff? Why don't you ever stop by just to say 'hi'?!"

Temari sighed. "Can you tell me how long it takes my brothers to apply their man-make-up?"

Kakashi chuckled. "Ohoho, wouldn't you like to know?"

"That's… why I'm asking."

"Oh." Kakashi rubbed his chin. "What time do your brothers get up in the morning?"

"Gaara's always up and Kankuro is usually up by ten."

"And what time do you usually leave to go to your sensei?"

"Eleven."

"How long does it take to eat breakfast?"

"Ten minutes."

"Then it takes exactly fifty minutes for them to apply their make-up," Kakashi said wisely. He went back to his hat business.

"Is something wrong?" he asked, seeing Temari giving him an incredulous look.

"Y-you used _logic_!!" she stammered, aghast. Kakashi nodded humbly. "Yes I did."

"B-but you're supposed to spout out random crap!!" Temari exclaimed. "But this time it made sense!!"

"OF COURSE IT MAKES SENSE!!" Kakashi roared. "ALL MY ANSWERS MAKE SENSE! YOU PEOPLE ARE JUST TOO BUSY MAKING A FUSS ABOUT THE WAY I GIVE MY ANSWERS TO TRULY STUDY THE ANSWERS!!"

"But where's the funny? The reviewers aren't going to be happy!"

"YOU WANT FUNNY? HERE!" Kakashi put on a pretty princess tiara. "Funny now?"

Temari gave him a weird look. "I'm… gonna go home."


	26. Pluto thnx to FaerieFighter009

Naruto and Gaara had a question for Kakashi.

"Sensei, let's cut to the chase. We have a question and we want you to answer it," Naruto said, approaching Kakashi and putting his hands on his hips.

"Are you listening?" Gaara asked.

"Nope," Kakashi said airily, twirling past them. "It goes with my hat," he explained, seeing their disturbed facial expressions. "What did you want to ask me?"

"We wanted to know why Pluto isn't a planet anymore," Naruto explained, keeping a safe distance from his sensei, who he know thought was a sissy pansy.

"I mean, the kids who grew up on the Blue's Clues song for remembering the plantes are going to be confused!" Gaara agreed.

"Well… you see, it's like this, guys," Kakashi said, rubbing the back of his head. "How a planet becomes a planet depends on several factors; what it's made up of, what it is, and one is the size."

"Your point?" Gaara asked.

"Pluto isn't a planet anymore because it's small enough to be a moon. Its moon, Cameron, is nearly as big as it." Kakashi adjusted his tiara. "So, you have it."

Naruto and Gaara were aghast.

"You mean it's not a planet because it was too _small_?!?!?!?!" Gaara growled in a dangerous voice.

"That's the impression I was under."

"Oh, so I supposed Ramen-Nerd and I can't be ninja anymore because we're too short, huh?" Gaara snarled. Out of nowhere, he and Naruto got picket signs.

"POWAH TO THE LITTLE GUYS!" Naruto shouted.

"TINY THINGS HAVE RIGHTS TOO!" Gaara hollered.

Kakashi put his tiara on Gaara and his Miss Konoha sash on Naruto.

"Good luck," he called. He made a quick get-away.

**Thanks to those who submit questions.**


	27. Why does Dei say Un?

Kakashi was busy completing his daily exercises of 50 push-ups in his backyard. Pakkun and the other dogs were lounging under one of the many trees surrounding Kakashi's apartment.

"Ah…" Kakashi sighed, falling back. "I'm surprised. No one has bothered me about answering questions so far today."

"It might be that ridiculous get-up you're wearing." Pakkun raised an eyebrow (if he has any)

"What? Feather Boas worn as belts are stylish!"

Poof

"KAKASHI-SAMA! IS GOOD TO SEE YOU!"

"AUGH IT'S THAT WEIRD KID THAT SHAVED MY HEAD!!" Kakashi cried in horror as Tobi launched himself at him in excitement.

"Down boy," Zetsu sighed, jerking Tobi's neck with the man-leash around his neck.

"Ow."

"PAKKUN! GUARD!"

Pakkun gave Kakashi a look that suggested that he thought he was crazy.

"Relax, oyaji. I just got another question for you." Tobi was bouncing around in excitement, nearly pulling Zetsu's arm out of the socket.

"He had chocolate syrup for breakfast," he replied curtly to Kakashi's questing stare.

"Ah." Kakashi watched Tobi jump around a while longer before saying "Out with it boy, what do you wanna know?"

"Why does Deidara-sansay 'un' all the time?" Tobi asked. Kakashi rubbed his chin.

"Just what does Deidara look like, hm?"

Tobi held up a photo of Deidara strangling him.

"What th- I totally misguided Itachi about the whole oyster thing! That foxy mama is clearly a chick!"

"I HEARD THAT, UN!" an angry shout came from somewhere.

"Well, Tobi, do you know what a catchphrase is?" Kakashi asked, having swiped the photo from the masked knucklehead and studying it closely.

"Eh?"

"A catchphrase is a phrase or saying one or several characters in a story says at every possible moment, to the point of annoyance, such as "Believe it!" "Tobi is a good boy!" and "A loser is a loser because he has been destined to be a loser and you cannot change destiny be it has been destined to not be changed because I think I know everything when really no one notices my annoying way of repeating myself because everyone thinks I'm a bishie," Zetsu supplied in a monotone voice.

"I WAS DESTINED TO HEAR THAT!" came an angry voice.

"But why do people say it to the point of annoyance?" Tobi persisted. Kakashi solemnly put a hand on his shoulder and wisely replied "Because it distinguishes a person's personality. Since this incredibly hot woman we're talking about says 'un' all the time, it must mean she is a very agreeable person, correct?"

"I guess so," Tobi replied doubtfully. "You sure?"

"I swear by my feather boa I am not lying you my son." Kakashi turned to Zetsu and said sharply "And you can be putting down that steaksauce now, mister."

"But I like steaksauce!"

"Bring it on!"

Tobi walked off to leave them to their squabble, now content with his answer. He passed Deidara.

"Hey, foxy lady! Wanna see a real man in action?"

"WHAT THE HECK?!??!??!?!??!?!"

**This question brought to you in part by; Flower of the Desert. I'm going to try to do all the questions you wonderful people submit, and I'm also going to try to acknowledge the ideas I use.**

**My friend had chocolate syrup for breakfast. She acted exactly like that.**


	28. Why Shikamaru is Lazy

Ino and Choujia and Asuma had a question for Kakashi. Unfortunately, Kakashi had been trying to avoid being asked questions and it took them three hours to track him to….

Tatoos R Us.

"Why would Kakashi-sensei be getting a tattoo?" Asuma asked, walking inside with Ino, Chouji, and Shikamaru following him. "He's usually practical."

"Oh, shizzle, what do you want?" a voice groaned. Four heads whipped around to see a Kakashi without shirt sleeves. Tattoos crawled up each arm.

"We have a-"

"You have a question, why am I not surprised?" Kakashi sighed and dragged them to the corner of the dimly lit shop, where a board proclaiming the hundreds of tattoo designs hung crooked. "Let's hear it."

"We wanna know why Shikamaru is so lazy," Chouji said in between bites of chips."

"You mean you haven't told them?" Kakashi said in mild surprise, turning to face the pine-apple-headed boy. "I can understand Shino not explaining, but why you?"

"What? What? Tell us what?" Ino looked back and forth between Kakashi's and Shikamaru's expressionless faces.

"Well, you see, the reason Shikamaru is so lazy is because when he was little, his father left him in the famous Konoha Topiary Garden's."

Everyone leaned in.

"And you all remember the Great Slug Outbreak of the Spring Equinox?"

"Oh, yes," Asuma said thoughtfully. "I have a scar on my knee from a particularly nasty Hip-Hop Slug with pink dots along it's back."

"Oh yes, the side effects of that particular slug make you wanna dance to hi- Wait, I'm getting off-subject. Anyways, poor Shika was right in the midst of an onslaught of Sluggy Sluggish Slugs, which when bitten cause the prey to be temporarily lazy. Since Nara got dose after dose after dose after dose after dose after dose after dose back to back, the side-effects have become permaneant."

"Oh, Shikamaru we had no idea!" Ino said in a horrified tone.

"We'll never ridicule you for your laziness again!" Asuma vowed.

"I'll quit writing mean stuff about your pessimistic attitude in my blog!" Chouji blubbered.

"You write stuff about me in your blog?"

"No."

The three walked away. Shikamaru made sure that they were out of earshot before saying "I can't belive those saps fell for that. The Sluggy Sluggish Slugs from the land of Waves doesn't cause people to be lazy. It makes them energetic!"

"Yes. The Supah-Powah-Slugs-Of-Energy-And-Incredible-Stamina are what make people lazy," Kakashi chuckled. "Isn't what really happened is that you swallowed a slug?"

"Yep. Now when Baachan uses her summoning technique, I go along for the ride, too."

**Thanks to Broken0Dream for submitting the question.**

**Thanks to all you wonderful people for reviewing and reading.**

**A dodgeball sailed past my head today. I screamed "FO SHIZZLE!!!" and ducked. I got a lot of weird looks.**


	29. The first SasuNaru fan

I would like to point out that I hate all things **SasuNaru, NaruSasu, GaaLee, SasuHina, GaaSaku, GaaHina, KakaIru, IruKaka, NaruSaku, ItaSaku, DeiSaku, GaaIno, HidanSakura, DeiIno, SasuGaa, KankuroKiba, KibaShino, KibaHina, ShikaSaku, ShikaIno, ShikaNeji, ItaNeji, SasoDei, OroSasu, ObitoKakashi, KakaSaku, KakaHina, KakaKurenai, ZabuGai, HakuKaka, HakuSaku, NejiSaku, Chi hates GaaNaru,** the ones in bold I can't stand, most yaoi really. No offense to those who like above mentioned pairings, but I don't like them. So there. I win. Mwaha.

ON WITH TEH STORY.

…

…

Kakashi , for once, was not reading his book. He was at the Konoha rec center and was busy completing 1,000 laps in the pool. It was another one of Gai's ridiculous challenges.

"HAHA!! I WIN AGAIN!!" Gai shouted triumphantly with a 'ping' from his teeth.

"Fine, fine," Kakashi grumbled, pulling himself out and shaking himself like a dog. Suddenly, there was an earth-shaking **thud**.

"What was that?" Gai asked, puzzled. There came another **thud**, and a Sakura, Ino, and Hinata tackled the still wet Kakashi, foaming at the mouth.

"Can I help you ladies?"came his muffled voice from underneath the furious kunoichi.

"QUITE BEATING AROUND THE BUSH, YOU OLD GEEZER!!" Sakura shouted. "WE HAVE QUESTIONS AND WE KNOW _YOU_ HAVE THE ANSWERS!!"

"…"

"…"

"So what do you want me to do about it?"

"GIMME ANSWERS!!" Ino roared. Kakashi winced and pushed them off of his back, which was going numb.

"All right, all right," he snapped. "Women," he said, glancing at Gai.

"Women," Gai said, shaking his head ruefully.

"WOMEN!!" Jiraiya cried gleefully, popping his head out of the pool. "WHERE?!?!"

"EEYYAAUUGGGH!!!"

"Girls, get off of me," Kakashi demanded in a rather annoyed manner as all three females were clutching his head and throwing anything they could reach at Jiraiya. "Tell me your question."

"Well," Sakura began, eying Jiraiya as he slid back under the water sulkily, "it has to do with the matter of…. Fan pairings."

"Uh-huh." Kakashi nodded "Continue."

"So we," Ino declared, jabbing a thumb at herself and gesturing to the others, "Want to ask you who was the first fan of the _worst_ one."

"Being?"

Hinata grabbed Kakashi's shoulders and jerked him forward. "WE WANNA KNOW WHO THE FIRST NO GOOD, STUPID, GREASY, BRAINLESS FREAK CAME UP WITH IT!!!"

"…"

"Well?"

"Me giving you the answer depends on you telling me what it is."

"YOU KNOW DARN WELL WHAT IT IS!!" Sakura shouted. "SASU NARU AND NARUSASU!!!"

"Ohhhhhh," Kakashi said, dragging the word out. "I see. You think," he pointed at Sakura, "it should be you and Sasuke, _you_ think," he pointed at Ino now. "That it should be _you_ and Sasuke, and you think," he pointed at Hinata. "That it you be you and Sasuke?"

"N-no."

"Oh." Kakashi said. "Oooohhhhh," he said as realization dawned on him. He grinned sneakily at her. "I see."

"Just answer the question," Sakura demanded impatiently. Kakashi laced his fingers together, sat down, and stared and his intertwined fingers, deep in thought.

Sakura tapped her foot.

Ino stared off in space.

Hinata blushed and thought very Jiraiya-like thoughts.

Kakashi sipped herbal tea.

Sakura mentally planned hers and Sasuke's wedding.

Ino mentally planned _hers_ and Sasuke's wedding.

Hinata drooled at the prospect of Naruto in his bishie outfit 'see Rules of a Bishie'.

Gai struck many various poses, teeth pinging merrily.

"I got it," Kakashi said airily, out of the blue. Immediately, he found himself being pounced upon.

"WHO?! WHO?! WHO?! WHO?!" all three shouted.

"Who let loose the owls?" Kakashi asked. "Get off and I'll tell you."

AQfter the girls detached themselves, he smoothed his hair back. "The first SasuNaru fan was Haku."

"WHAT?!?!" Sakura screeched. The other two were silent 'cause they don't know who Haku was.

"I'M GONNA KILL THAT TWERR!!" Sakura screamed, pacing angrily. Ino and Hinata shouted "YEAH!" because they were equally riled up.

"'Fraid he's already dead, girls," Kakashi said. "He died in season one."

"Where's he buried?" Ino asked.

"Land of Waves, a seaside village, the Great Naruto bridge."

"GRIGLEDORF, GRINGLEDORF, GRINGLEDORF!!!!" the hyperactive females screamed, running to their destination. Kakashi rolled his eyes and followed them.

When Kakashi caught up with them, he saw there was a hole where Haku's grave had been, and concluded from the clouds of dust coming out that the girls and unburied poor Haku and was beating up his corpse.

"That's disrespectful," he muttered. He turned around and saw….

"AUGH A GHOST!" he screamed, because Zabuza's and Haku's ghosts were there.

"Can I haunt them?" Haku asked, peering down into his grave.

"No."

"How's death been treating you?" Kakashi asked. Zabuza shrugged his shoulder's in a same-old-same-old way. "Wanna get a burger?"

"Sure."

Kakashi walked off, with Zabuza floating after him, leaving Haku alone.

"I'm alone," he said sadly. He caught sight of Sai. "Yay! A fellow pretty ghost!"

"SQUEE!" Sai shouted, and they both floated after Hikaru.

The end.

**A/N: Gringledorf is Blane's war cry.**

**Question- Broken0Dream**

**Answer- Broken0Dream and Ecoli**

**No offense to fans of this pairing, my best friend loves it to pieces.**


	30. TenTen's buns

**I actually did the whole 'shut-up, woman' thing to my friends Travis and then to Blane. Neither were very pleased.**

Neji, Lee, and Gai had a mystery. They searched all around the Fire Country and surrounding countries until they found him and Zabuza's ghost watching Dave the Barbarian.

"Friend of yours?" Gai asked, raising one of his massive eyebrows.

"Sort of," Kakashi replied. "DAVE, THE BARBARIAN! BRAVE AND BOLD, THEY'RE NOT! THEY AIN'T THE BRAVEST HEROES!! BUT THEY THE ONLY ONES WE GOT!!"

"Focus, woman," Neji said sharply. "What?" he asked as everyone stared at him. "I just want him to answer our question so we can scram."

"Well, in order for me to do that, you'll have to ask a question, hmm?" After 29 chapters of question, Kakashi was sorry he had signed the contract (yes, he's under contract.)

"How did TenTen get such nice buns?" Lee asked. Kakashi's eye widened.

"W-_WHAT?!?!"_

"How did she get such nice buns?" Lee repeated patiently.

"She has nice buns," Gai added.

"They're so round and soft," Neji said with a dreamy look on his face.

"We could gaze in wonder at them all day," they all said together.

Kakashi was wondering if he was hearing all this correctly.

"Listen guys, I know every thinks I'm a pervert because I read Icha Icha," he said. He got close to the other three and stuck his finger in their faces. "But under _no_ circumstances would I degrade a woman's dignity by asking about her butt and then telling other people."

Kakashi wheeled to face Gai. "Especially, you, Gai. If it were just some lady I wouldn't mind as much. But this is a _teenager._ A _student_. _YOUR_ student. You shouldn't be wondering and asking question about your students' butts!

"Wha?!?!" Neji exclaimed. Realization hit him and Gai and Lee at the same time.

"NOO!!!!!!" Neji screamed, red as a tomato. "WE MEANT HER _HAIR!! _HER _HAIR!!!!!"_

"To think that I- I would never- I mean really!!" Gai was also blushing furiously. "Especially TenTen! S-she's like a-a DAUGHTER to me!!"

"THE SHAME!!! THE SHAME!!!!" Lee wailed, curling in a fetal position. "I would never stare at TenTen's butt!" He sucked his thumb. "Repentance! REPENTANCE!!!"

"Oh," Kakashi said, also blushing at his misunderstanding. "Y-you meant her _hair_, oh I get it now."

"Really, Kakashi," Gai whined. "Do you really think so little of me as to believe I would ask something like that?"

"I-I don't think I care to know anymore," Neji said, all of his skin red now and growing a deeper hue every minute. "J-just spare all of us the humiliation."

"Hi, guys."

The four embarrassed men heard TenTen's voice floating to them from some distance away. Sure enough, she became visible after a few moments.

"Guys?" she asked, seeing the four squawk and attempt to hide behind one another.

"We are _men!_" Kakashi whispered to Gai. "We shouldn't be scared to ask a harmless question."

"Then _you_ ask!" Gai whispered back, shoving Kakashi, who was behind Neji and sent the poor boy reeling towards TenTen. He glared back at his senseis before facing his teammate.

"Ah, TenTen, we have a question for you," he asked, still red. TenTen nodded her head. "Ask away, Neji-kun," she said.

"How did you get such nice buns?"

"…"

It took all of two seconds for it to sink in. Suddenly, all of TenTen's respect for Neji flew out of the window and across God's green earth.

**Slap**

"HOW DARE YOU!" she shrieked, sending Neji flying. She wheeled towards Kakashi. "AND YOU! TEACHING MY PRECIOUS NEJI-KUN TO BE A PERVERT!!" She attacked him and began to gnaw on his head.

"Your hair!" Lee shouted desperately. "Hair! HAIR!!"

"Eh?" TenTen immediately let go. "Oh." She turned red, mortified. "I-I just use conditioner every night."

"O-okay then," Neji said weakly from his spot on the ground.

Zabuza had been watching all of this in great amusment. He chuckled. "I suppose none of you have ever kept a girlfriend for more than an hour, huh?"

"Shut-up," was the group response he received.

**I need TenTen to do that to Horace.**


	31. Akatsuki

**Ha, I bet you thought I died. No such luck.**

**We have a week off –does happy dance- Squee.**

…

Kakashi was in his Victorian house, wearing his silk bath robe and drinking European tea when suddenly…- Wait, wrong setting.

Kakashi was in his over-priced apartment wearing his pants and sleep shirt drinking hot water and coffee grinds when suddenly Naruto, Shino, Kankuro, and Gaara calmly knocked on his door, rang the doorbell, and knocked the door off its hinges with no regard for subtlety what-so-ever.

"My, what a sentence," Kakashi remarked drily.

"SENSEI!!! I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU!!!" Naruto shouted.

"Ketchup tastes good by itself, root beer is not really beer, and yes, I sleep on a futon," Kakashi said, giving out random answers that been previously retired.

"Actually, I was gonna ask- CAN I USE THE CAN?!?!? I GOTTA WHIZ REAL BAD!!"

"I told you to go before we left," Shino said, "But nnnnooooooo."

"I LIVE FOUR BLOCKS AWAY! WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT?!?!"

"Fine," Kakashi said, rolling his eyes and pointing down the hall. "And am I to presume you didn't just want to borrow my toilet, hmm?" he continued, eyeing the others suspiciously.

"Okay, I don't know what he said, but it sure sounded smart," Gaara said.

"You have a question, right?"

"Yes."

"THEN OUT WITH IT! I WANT TO ENJOY MY COFFEE IN PEACE!!!"

"He scares me," Shino whispered to Gaara. Gaara opened his mouth to reply to Kakashi's question but was interrupted by a shout of "SENSEI!! IS THE TOILET SUPPOSED TO SPIT THE PAPER UP AGAIN?!?!? OH CRAP, NOW IT'S- SWEET MOTHER OF PEARL!!! I'M DDDDDDRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW-blub blub blub-……"

Kakashi's eye twitched. "Did he…?"

"Yep," Shino sighed.

"And the toilet….?"

"Uh-huh." Kankuro nodded his head.

"So that means…?" Kakashi had a pathetic look in his eye.

"Sorry dude, but that's what you get for letting a nerd-sicle take a whiz in your house." Gaara wasn't really being sympathetic.

Suddenly, there was a flash of orange as Naruto streaked down the hallway, slung Gaara and Shino across his back, grabbed the back of Kankruo's and Kakashi's shirts, and high-tailed it out of there faster than Spongebob to work, which is quite fast.

My, what a sentence.

"I'm gonna kill you," Kakashi muttered. Naruto didn't stop running until they were a safe distance away. He fell to the ground, panting.

"I hope you have insurance," he managed to gasp.

Kakashi clenched and un-clenched his fists several times before taking a deep breath and facing the others. "What is it you wanna ask me?"

"Why do the Akatsuki members stand so close to each other?" Gaara asked.

"They're literally shoulder-to-shoulder," Shino threw in.

"How can they possibly do it every minute?" Kankuro got his two-cents worth.

"Does anyone have any water?" they heard Naruto ask hoarsely from his sprawled position on the ground. Gaara got an evil look on his face and held out two bottles.

"Sparkling or mineral?"

"Oh, thank-you," Naruto said, reaching for one. Gaara turned and threw them both into the next chapter. Naruto curled into a fetal position.

"Quite simple," Kakashi said, ignoring the act of cruelty going on behind him. "Their robes have been attached with a strong adhesive."

"Meaning?" Kankuro asked.

"Meaning they must have super-glued all their clothes together." Kakashi looked hauntily at him and Shino. "Really, this isn't rocket science."

"Duh. Glue ain't space shuttle," Shino said.

"So you mean… they were stupid enough…. To super-glue themselves together?" Naruto asked confusedly. Kakashi nodded his head.

"Simple logic makes Johny-Boy a genius."

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!" Naruto burst into merry laughter. "HOW DUMB CAN THEY GET?!?!?! EVEN _I'M_ NOT THAT STUPID!!!!"

"Yeah, even _he_'s not that stupid," Gaara agreed.

"OI!!"

"I wouldn't be laughing if I were you," Itachi grumbled as he stalked past. "Would you want to be glued to _that_ for the rest of your existence?" He jerked a thumb behind him, where it was apparent that Deidara had been glued to him.

"BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH DRIBBLE DRIBBLE YIP, UN," he chatted on obliviously. "ART ART ART ART ART, UN."

"MAKE IT STOP!!!" Itachi cried, slamming his hands to his ears and doing a ten-point face-plant.

"Hey, it's the clownfish guy!" Naruto said.

"Uh-huh. Now go away." Kakashi walked back to his apartment dejectedly. "I have plunging to do."

Naruto, Shino, Gaara, and Kankuro watched as he left.

"What to do now?" Shino mused.

"How about…. PAINT-BALL FIGHT?!?!!?!" Naruto shouted gleefully. A great whoop rose from the others and they ran off delightedly.

…

…

"Did he just call me a clownfish, un?" Deidara asked confusedly.


	32. Why Itachi Killed His Clan

**Wow. 225 reviews. I feel loved…**

**Gaara- Sure, love the freak.**

**Ecoli- Hey, if you want love, write fan fiction!**

**Gaara-….. I SHALL DO IT!**

…

Naruto and Gaara had (another) question for Kakashi. After a long and happy paint-ball fight, they were both splattered with different shades of red, blue, orange, yellow, and purple. They found Kakashi asleep on a park bench.

"SENSEI! WHY IS JOO SLEEPIN' ONNA PAHK BENCH?!?!" Naruto asked very very (very) loudly. Kakashi woke with a start and a face-plant to the ground.

"Great. Gotta pay for a plumber and plastic surgery," Naruto heard him grumble.

Kakashi picked himself off the ground and wiped the dirt off his clothes. "If you must know, my house is condemned and I now live here." He shot Naruto a glare. "Expect a bill and an angry letter from my lawyer in the next week or so."

"I have a mystery for you," Naruto said, disregarding the lecture he had been given. "Can you answer it?"

"'Fraid not," came the cool answer. "You're at your limit."

"Limit?"

"Add all the question you've asked me so far, plus the redundant ones such as the three you asked in just this page, you're out of questions you can ask."

"Drat." Naruto's lip stuck out and he went into full pout mode.

"Well, _I_ can still ask," Gaara said. "He doesn't hate _me_."

"Have at it, then." Kakashi gestured aimlessly. "Fire away, m'boy."

"Why did Itachi kill his clan?"

"And why didn't he kill the teme while he was at it?!" Naruto couldn't resist asking another redundant question.

"No one really believes the 'I wanted to see how strong I am' crud," Gaara continued, giving Naruto a hearty kick for interrupting him. Said Naruto yelped in pain and attempted to reciprocal the attack, to no avail.

"Duck," Kakashi said calmly.

There was silence.

"ARE YOU SENILE, MAN!?!? WHY WOULD HE KILL HIS FAMILY FOR A DUCK?!?!" Gaara shrieked.

"I MEAN SERIOUSLY, WHAT KINDA-" Naruto's angry shout was cut off abruptly as a water bottle smacked him soundly in the back of the head. The second one hit Gaara's head, and he fell down, yelling.

"I told you," Kakashi said in an airy, sing-song voice. "But you didn't listen."

"Just answer the question so we can leave this asylum of a chapter," Gaara demanded, his voice muffled from his position on the ground. Kakashi shrugged.

"Well, it was something like this…"

**FLASHBACK; THE SEQUEL- PART TWO**

Thirteen-year-old Uchiha Itachi sat at the kitchen table with Sir Leader and Kisame, making evil plots and schemes.

"You still haven't done your initiation," AL said in a snooty voice. "The Akatsuki is only for the most prestigious and evil evil-geniuses, you know. What do you propose you do?"

"I'm thinking somewhere along the lines of 'mass murder'," Itachi said. "Wait, better yet, 'full-out massacre'. How's that?"

"Yes, that has a sound, diabolical ring to it," Kisame agreed. "The question is who to kill, though. Something like that won't go unnoticed."

"But that's part of the plan," Itachi argued. "See, I'll be leaving to join you guys afterwards, and my name will be infamous throughout Konoha and the Fire Country! It's the perfect scheme!"

"Good point. So who are planning to do it to?"

Itachi was about to answer when Mrs Uchiha bustled in and began chattering happily. The three males squawked and hastily stuff their blueprints into their pockets.

"Maaaaa," Iatchi whined, dragging the word out. "I told you not to bother me when I'm playing with my friends!"

"Sorry, honey!" Mrs Uchiha said cheerfully. "But a woman's place is in the kitchen, so no can do. Would you boys like some tea?"

"Your mother is pretty," Al whispered.

"Don't be fresh wit my mommy, foo." Itachi did the snappy-finger-thing.

"I don't think you should drink too much tea, dear," Mrs Uchiha advised, setting tea-pots and –cups on the table. "You know how small your bladder is."

"MA!" Itachi protested loudly, turning quite red in the face. Mrs Uchiha turned up her eyes and smiled.

"Oh, sorry. He doesn't like it when I talk about his little 'problem'," she said, turning to face Kisame and AL. "We had the most awful time potty-training him, and he wet the bed almost every night until he was ten."

"MOTHER! WOULD YOU KINDLY JUST CROAK NOW AND SAVE ME THE TROUBLE?!??!!?"

"No, no," AL laughed, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes. By this time, Kisame was purple in the face from laughing. "Go on, please!"

"And he always wears dark pants so if he has an 'accident', no one will notice. He might not show it, but he's quite a nervous boy. A lot of things make him jumpy."

Itachi leaped from his chair, shoved his mother out the door, locked and bolted it in several places, and leaned against the door, his hair frazzled and eyes wild, panting.

"I know who I'm going to massacre," he said through gritted teeth. "I'll just kill the whole durn family and be done with it."

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA, oh, I haven't laughed so much in years!" Al was in a fit of hysteria now. "Okay, do what you gotta do."

Itachi nodded, grateful that his rep was still okay. He sat back down at the table.

"DOES ITA-CHAN NEED A POTTY BREAK?!?!" Mrs Uchiha screamed, popping out of the salt shaker. Itachi screamed and lost control of his bladder.

"Told you," Mrs Uchiha said, clucking sympathetically. Itachi realized that he was wearing light pants, and he turned bright red all over…

**END FLASHBACK; THE SEQUEL- PART 2**

"Happy?" Kakashi said. Gaara and Naruto were to busy laughing to answer.

…

…

…

"So _that_'s why you killed your whole clan, un?" Deidara asked in earnest interest from his and Itachi's position from behind a bush. They had heard the whole story.

"Just STHSU already," Itachi snarled, going red all over. "Or you can join Mummy in the sky."

"You're not gonna whiz on me, are ya, un?"

"THAT'S IT, IT'S TIME TO KILL THE BARBIE!!

"WHO YOU CALLIN' A BARBIE, PEE-BOY?!?!? AT LEAST MY FACE IS PRETTIER THAN _YOUR _UGLY MUG, UN!"


	33. Itachi's face lines

**231 reviews. Wow. More love.**

**Reviewers- SQUEE!**

**Ecoli- … -whips out keyboard- MWAHAHA!**

…

Kakashi was at hospital, lying in pain in a chair in the waiting room.

"Sensei?" Shino asked, approaching Kakashi, accompanied by Sasuke and Kankuro. "What are you doing here?"

"Well, I told Naruto and Gaara some blackmail material about Itachi, and Itachi beat the crud out of me." Kakashi sat up and sighed. "And what's worse, a very attractive woman laughed at me."

"Boo-hoo," Sasuke said. "What was the blackmail about?"

"His bladder problem."

"BWAHAHAHAHA!" Sasuke guffawed (who says that?!) "Oh, I remember Mum teasing him about it all the time."

"Why are you guys here?"

"Kankuro thinks he broke an arm from playing paintball," Shino answered, "and I'm pretty sure my fifth rib is smashed, and Sasuke broke a nail."

"_What?_"

"Can't a man be pretty?" Sasuke huffed. "Oh, and speaking of pretty, will you answer a question for me?"

"I supposed," Kakashi sighed. "Tsunade-sama better give me a plaque or something for all this trouble."

"Okay. Why does Itachi have those lines on his face?"

"Yeah, I've wondered that myself," Shino piped up.

"Well, this calls for another flashback." Kakashi pressed a button on the wall that said Bold Print.

**Flashback 3**

Four-year-old Itachi slowly awoke to a beautiful Saturday morning. He climbed out of his beautiful million-yen bed, and crossed his room to look in his beautiful diamond-studded mirror to look at his beautiful face.

"GYAH!!" Itachi screamed, seeing his face. "MY PRETTYNESS!! IT HAS LEFT ME TO FACE ITS CRUEL CRUEL INDIFFERENCE!!"

"Ita-kun? Is something wrong?" his mother's voice asked. Itachi ran across his room and slammed the door, locking it.

"LEAVE ME ALONE!" he howled. "I'M NEVER LEAVING THIS HOUSE AGAIN!"

"Why?"

"BECAUSE MY BEAUTIFUL NOSE IS OFF-CENTER!!!" Itachi sobbed, banging his head on the door. "I'm ugly."

"Oh, come on honey, it can't be that bad."

"HOW WOULD YOU KNOW!? YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN AN UGLY BAG, WOMAN!"

Itachi threw himself on his bed. He stared at his ceiling, where he had pasted several magazines displaying several scantily clad women. His eye caught an ad.

"Eureka!" He scrambled to his feet and ripped one magazine down.

"Lady Lovely's Plastic Surgery," he read aloud. "Ugly faces, off-center-noses, excess skin, HEY! OFF-CENTER NOSES!"

He leap from the bed, threw open the door, zoomed down the streets, and ran into the plastic surgery parlor on the far side of town.

"Can you help me?" Itachi asked a lady behind the front desk.

"What can I do for you, dear?"

"My nose is off-center and my beauty and reputation will be ruined unless I fix it!"

"GASP!" The lady's hands flew to her mouth. "LILLIAN! CODE RED! CODE RED!"

Itachi was dragged off to the back room.

…

Several hours later, Mrs Uchiha was freaking out. Mr Uchiha was freaking out. They were about to call the ANBU when Itachi walked through the kitchen door. Mrs Uchiha swooped upon him like a bird of prey.

"ITA-KUN! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN MY DARLING?!?!"

"I had some facial matters to take care of, Mother," Itachi answered curtly. His parents saw his face.

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO YOUR FACE, MY PRECIOUS?!?!" Mrs Uchiha screeched.

"I got a nose job, Mother. It was off-center."

"BUT YOUR FACE!!"

Itachi traced the lines on either side of his face with his fingers. "Cool! Now I look totally bad-a-"

"NO SWEARING IN THIS HOUSE, MISTER."

"No no, Gladys," Mr Uchiha said. "He looks like a killer now. That'll drive the girls wild!"

"See, Ma? Father approves whole-heartedly." Itachi fixed his mother with a glare. "Besides, it's scars or a crooked nose. And you have to admit my nose looks better than before."

Mrs Uchiha rolled her eyes. "Fine," she sighed. "Whatever makes you happy."

"Good. I'm off to get a tattoo on my chest now."

"YOU WAIT JUST ONE MINUTE, LITTLE MISTER!"

Itachi ran like the dickens.

**END FLASHBACK 3**

"He threw a hissy-fit because his nose was crooked?!" Sasuke repeated in disbelief.

"Yep."

"Your brother's a pansy," Kankuro said.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!" Shino fell to the ground laughing. "WHAT A CARD! WHAT A CHEMILLE!"

Itachi poked his head around the corner. "FIRE!!!" he shouted, spraying Gorilla Glue at Kakashi and tossing Deidara and Sasori after it. "HOW YA LIKE THEM APPLES?!?"

"Oh crud," Kakashi groaned.

"BLAH BLAH BLAH SHORT-LIVED ART, UN," Deidara yammered on, flailing his hands about.

"BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH PUPPETS BLAH EVER-LASTING ART BLAH," Sasori yakked on, poking and jabbing at Deidara's head.

"Haha." Itachi looked satisfied.

"I'LL KILL JOO!!" Sasuke flung himself at Itachi.

**CRUNCH**

"AUGH I BROKE A NAIL!!" Sasuke screamed.

"AUGH _I_ BROKE A NAIL!!" Itachi screamed. They both ran around in dizzy little circles before collapsing.

Shino and Kankuro were confused.

"Wanna go join Naruto and Gaara and blow something up?" Kankuro asked.

"Sure, why not?"

…

…

**Yeah, this was lame compared to the others. Next one'll be better.**

**If you think I've forgotten your question…. PM me, I probably did. Short-term memory loss…**

**Some dork once asked me if I had plastic surgery because I have a line on my nose. Dork.**

**I'm off to listen to MCR now.**


	34. Kakashi's girlfriend or lack thereof

**Ecoli- Hey y'all!**

**Reviewers- WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, WOMAN?!?**

**Ecoli- Well, I've had a suckish week so I've been trapped in a living hell! –ahem- So after an extended vacation, let's get the show on the road!**

…

…

Sakura, TenTen, and Temari had been having a nice cup of tea watching drunken stargers running up and hugging people when they were attacked by the sudden urge to ask Kakashi a question seeing as no one had asked him one for a couple of weeks now.

"Sensei, we have a question!" Sakura sang as he appeared quite magically out of the air and into Temari's teacup.

"Darn, I thought I was free."

"WELL YOU'RE NOT SO QUIT WHINING."

"Yeesh. Okay, lay it on me."

"Have you ever had a girlfriend?" Temari asked. Kakashi blinked a couple of times before answering.

"Me? No, not really."

"_Never_?!" Sakura asked, appalled. Kakashi nodded. "Uh-huh."

"But you've been around for centuries! Surely you've dated at least _one_ girl!" TenTen argued. Kakashi shrugged.

"Well…"

"Well what?"

"Ah for get it."

"Tell us!" Temari begged. Kakashi sighed.

"Fine, if you'll leave me alone. Ahem."

Flashback

A thirteen-year old Kakashi skipped merrily down the street before he was caught and dragged off by Rin, who proceeded to wrestle his shirt off of him, make him pose, took pictures, and blackmailed him into being her boyfriend.

"You're evil."

"SMILE FOR THE CAMERA SWEETCHEEKS!"

end flashback

"Oh my…" TenTen said after a moment. Kakashi shrugged again.

"She was always a cuckoo." He made a whirly sign next to his head.

"Hey, why don't we do that?" Sakura said brightly. "I'm sure we could get the objects of our infatuations to pay attention to us!"

"HUZZAH!" Temari and TenTen cried. All three ran away to prepare the Polaroid.

Kakashi blinked several times. Then, making sure no one was looking, he whipped off his mask, downed the rest of the tea, and went off to his book club meeting with Jiraiya and several other perverts.

…

…

**Kill me, maim me, whatever. I'm not exactly feeling happy right now.**


	35. The meaning of life

**Itachi and Naruto- She's dead, she's dead! –lalalala-**

**Kakashi- My contract is null and void!**

**Rest of the cast- HOOPLA!!**

**Ecoli- -poofs outta no-where- Wow, _that_ was quite a long break- sees everyone dancing- Cool, is there a party going on? I'm _great_ at parties!**

**Everone else- Aw man, she's alive.**

Kankuro was searching for Kakashi, as he had another question (of course) that he wanted answered (of course) so he could go back to being lazy and win the title of the couch potato record (which currently belongs to _me_.)

"I knew you'd be here," he said as soon as he found the much sought after and frankly exasperated jounin.

"Shh, you'll scare them away!" Kakashi snapped, his face pressed against the ground. "Gophers don't come out everyday, you know."

"………You're an idiot."

"Mm-hmm, and you just now figured that out? Quick, ask me what you want and get lost. I just spied one over there."

"Well," Kankuro asked, following Kakashi as he crawled on his hands and knees to the nearest gopher hole, "I was hoping you could tell me the meaning of life."

"It certainly ain't this," Kakashi answered, bringing his head up from where he had stuck it in the ground, pointing at a large gopher chewing his nose. "Wait, the pain should set in in a second."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"AUGH!!! AUGH!!!! GET IT OFF!! GET IT _OFF!!!_ SSSSSSCCCCCCCCRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Kakashi ran in circles on tiptoe, screaming like a little girl.

Kankuro had a 'wths?' expression on his face.

"Okay, you want to know the meaning of life?"

Kankuro yelped and jumped back as Kakashi suddenly appeared in front of him, no longer a screaming-mimi with a rodent/tortoise/thing on his snoz.

"Uh……..yeah, that'd be great."

"This is very simple."

Suddenly they were on a mountain top, Kakashi in a Buddha robe and Kankuro in a red kimono. (it's safe to scream now)

"The meaning of life…"

Kankuro leaned forward.

"Is…"

The world appeared to stop moving.

"Forty-two."

"SAY _WHAT?!?!_" Kankuro screamed. Kakashi nodded his head.

"It's true."

"THE ONLY THING THAT'S _TRUE_ IS THAT _YOU'RE_ A _HACK!_"

Kankuro stomped away, steaming, forgetting he was on top of a mountain. He tumbled down with a girly shriek.

Kakashi shrugged. "I contemplated it for 3 trillion years. In grates." He went back to look for gophers.

--

--

**Not as bad as the last one, right?**

**I read 'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy'. It was odd, even, for me.**


	36. The truth about the Sand Siblings

Wow, I haven't written anything in weeks. Y'all must think I'm dead. Frankly, I wish I were sometimes, har har.

OFMGQWERTYUIOPFOB wow, 36 chapters. Didn't expect to keep it this long.

…

…

Kakashi, as it was, decided instead of making the long trek down the ridiculously high up mountain, he'd let the mindless lemming who wanted his knowledge do it instead.

"I love life's small rewards."

Indeed.

"Ooooooohhhhhhhmmmmmmm…….." Kakashi hummed, striking a weird Michael Jackson pose. "I am a burriiiiiiiito…"

"Hey, can I ask you something?" Temari's head popped out from a nearbye gopher jole. "It's very important."

Kakashi jerked out of his reverie and let out a shriek.

"Yes, very important," Kankuro's head agreed, popping out from another gopher hole.

"Hey, is this a rat or something?" Gaara's head was occupied by a fuzzy baby gopher. "YAUGH, it's eating my nose!"

"I must say, walking up here, walking back down, and walking up again is _not_ my favorite thing to do." Kankuro shook his head, dirt flying from his hat. "My butt's real sore."

"Can you answer me?" Temari asked.

"Cow. Burrito. Anne Rice. I can keep this up until you ask the question. Disco ball. Tuna sandwich…"

"Why is it that me, Wedgie-man, and Gopher head are siblings but don't look alike?"

"A lot of siblings don't look alike."

"Yeah, but some of their features are somewhat similar!" Temari protested. "We look like we're not related at all!"

"Frankyfrankyfrankyfrankyfranky." Kakashi shook his head. "Flabbyflabbyflabbyflabby. That's just the point."

"What?" Kankruo asked, pulling the gopher off his brother only for it to latch to _his_ head. "GAK!"

"You're _not_ related. Not biologically, anyways." Kakashi shrugged. "I thought y'all knew that."

"You mean we're _adopted_?!" Gaara screeched. "So I spent half my life loving a woman who didn't even _give_ me life?!"

"You're not. Flabby and….er…..Flabbi_er_ are, though."

"OI!" Temari and Kankuro cried. Kakashi shrugged again.

"Don't shoot the messenger.

"Then where'd they come from?" Gaara asked, pointing at the offended parties.

"When a man and woman love each other very much, they-"

"NOT LIKE THAT!" Temari clamped her hands over each of her brothers' far ears and banged their heads together. "I'll tell them about that when the time calls!"

"Kankuro's parents were in a traveling circus until they fell off the tightrope and got eaten by a gator-"

"That explains the make-up," Kankuro mumbled.

"-and Temari's parents already had fourteen kids and gave her to Gaara's parents," Kakashi finished. "Clear things up?"

Gaara, Temari, and Kankruo just looked at him blankly.

"HAWHAWHAW!! APRIL FOOL'S!" Kakashi laughed, pointing at the now baffled children. "I really had you saps going!"

"It's May," Kankuro said, a little mad about being duped.

"Oh." Kakashi's face fell. "Well….. YOU STILL FELL FOR IT!" His exuberance was back as he laughed at them harder still.

"C'mon, let's blow this joint." Casting dark glares, the three sibling tromped off in a bad mood.

"Wait for it…."

There were three muffled screams and then several thuds.

"Haha! They fell off the mountain!" Kakashi said gleefully. "Ah, how I love it so!!"

…

…

And there you have it. I haven't been able to get on at all 'cept for like this past week, and I would have written something sooner but I discovered a lovely thing on YouTube called 'music videos'. They're quite hilarious.


	37. Anyone still visist? Feedbackplz

Anyone still watch for this

Anyone still watch for this??


	38. Toast a suckish chapter x

Author's Note: Oh man

Author's Note: Oh man…I bummed a lot of you guys out with that new "chapter". . I'm sorry! My sister's way funnier than me, but I'll try…she spends her time watching German soap operas on YouTube nowadays. (I can't blame her .)

Panda-chan21 asked a very good question: why does toast always land butter side down?

--

Iruka had a question. He'd heard from the Sand Siblings that Kakashi was holding up fort on a mountain.

"Oi, Kakashi," he said, smartly poofing to the summit and landing beside the Jonin. "I have a serious question for you."

Kakashi, who was doing his daily Caramelldansen aerobics, froze and gave Iruka a disturbed stare.

"_NO_ I will not pose pretty for you in a Speedo, not even for the unauthorized fourth installment of Icha Icha!" he said loudly, jabbing a finger in Iruka's face.

"Wha-NO NOT THAT!" Iruka spluttered.

"What then?" Kakashi grumbled. "I was enjoying my vacation…"

"Why does toast always land butter side down?"

"Because the midgetlings that inhabit your countertop are starving," Kakashi said. "You clean freaks who wipe up the tiniest speck of dirt off of your kitchen counter are the ones who are starving the midgetlings."

"Midgetlings?"

"Of course. What do you think Edward Elric is?"

"WHO'RE YOU CALLIN' A MIDGET? A PIPSQUEAK? A _SPLINTER ON THE TREE OF LIIIIIIIIIFE!?_"

Iruka, dazzled by Kakashi's wisdom, stumbled off, leaving Kakashi and a midgety blonde kid with a robotic arm to nerd fight.

--

--

Can you say LAME?

. I fail. So badly. Someone help me motivate my sister…


	39. the lame final chapter

The final chapter, just to tie it up. I pilfered through our old reviews and chose a random question that never got answer. This final question came from Cathy-the-Reader (or Neko-chan)

-----

Kakashi had been alone atop a mountain for well over a year.

He sighed. "The best kind of job is one you don't have to go to."

Kakashi frowned, his serenity broken when he realized that he was still bound by contract to answer foolish questions. Perhaps he'd just jinxed his good luck.

"Curses," he hissed as an eruption of dust inches from his face proved him correct.

To his relief, it was only Anko, who was actually somewhat sane.

"What a pain," she said. "Having to poof up this mountain."

Kakashi struck a pose and opened his masked mouth to recite his trademark blurb of useless knowledge before being asked a question.

Anko kicked him in the family jewels and prevented the onslaught of jargon. Kakashi toppled over and proceeded to cry like a girl.

"Don't answer questions I don't ask, man," Anko commanded. "I was just wondering…If Lee had a twin sister, what would she be like?"

"Oh gawd!!" Kakashi wailed.

"Yeah, I thought it was pretty frightening, too."

Kakashi spared her a tear-stained glare before rolling over on his side. "Why don't you ask Lee's sister yourself?" he hissed.

Anko turned to see Lee's head pop out of a gopher hole. Except it wasn't Lee, because the eyelashes were multipled by five.

"A youthful greeting to you all!" Lee's sister cried, wriggling out of the gopher hole. She popped to her feet, the spandex revealing a rather buxom figure that was diminished due to her face, which looked just like Lee's. "Yosh! Who's up for some training!?"

Lee's sister grabbed Anko's arm and frogmarched her down the mountain. "Rather than poof down the hundred thousand miles high mountain side, let's jog with ankle weights!"

"OH GAWD WHY," Anko screamed as she and Lee's sister disappeared from view.

Kakashi drew a pained breath and got on his knees, to find a teenaged girl standing before him.

"You!" he roared. "You're that author lady in the sky!"

"Dude, it's so uncool to break the fourth wall. Besides, I'm here to end your contract."

Kakashi froze.

"Really?" he asked suspiciously.

"Yup. I love you, man, but this show's gone to the dogs." She produced a key and unlocked the invisible handcuffs around Kakashi's wrist. "Glee is the new 'it' thing, you dig? See ya."

The girl disappeared.

Kakashi, momentarily unsure of what to do with his freedom, just stood gaping at the spot where the girl had vanished.

"_Glee_?" he repeated. "What's so great about Glee!? It would be a lot cooler if Mercedes had more screentime!"

Whipping out Icha Icha, Kakashi turned angrily and made his way down the mountain.

--

We're big fans of Glee. The show would be a lot better without Rachel, Puck, Finn, or his girlfriend. There needs to be more Mercedes and Kurt, man. :O

In the tradition of lameness, I present the final chapter of _Mysteries_. Thanks for reading it back when my sister wrote it.


End file.
